Friday, 6 November 2015

Brother Driblystick - Contact with the Cumberton Buddha.

An exciting moment in Cumberton history as Brother Driblystick makes first contact with the Cumberton Buddha.

Saturday, 10 October 2015

Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Brother Binky - My new poem about men (man).

What a man?

Always pay my money to the tax man.
Talk to me like I'm a hippy yeah man.
                                            Can you be an old man and a new man?
                                              Never drop a bomb like Harry Tru man.
Will you come and read my meter gas man?
                                           Like to go in straight lines like a Ro man.
Shopping gets delivered by a van man.
Glad to have it dropped off by a hu man.
Eat so much one day I'll be a fat man.
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner Batman.

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Brother Biscuit-Banjo - The story of Cumberton

This is the earliest record we have of the origins of Cumberton.
It details how the first man found his way to the new land and what he found there.
The story lasts for about 25 minutes, so get comfortable, perhaps with a mug of soup with a sausage in it.

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

Brother Biscuit-Banjo - "Fingers begins"

Like all the monks here at Cumberton, Brother Fingers was once a normal man.

The Deformed monk inside can come to the surface at any time, and for Brother Fingers it was the ice bucket challenge which changed his life forever.

This is the first song that he created after the change took place just over a year ago. Good work Brother Fingers, don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling.

Saturday, 27 June 2015

Brother Binky's poem about butter


Is butter good, or butter bad?
And what's the best I ever had?
A full fat block that's full of salt?
But then we're told that salt's at fault.
                                                   Unsalted butter looks the same,
But is this butter free from blame?
It still has fat and that's bad too,
Good fat, bad fat, I wish I knew,
Which one was best and safe to use,
Is margarine the better news?
I heard a fact regarding that,
Twas made for getting turkeys fat.
It's just like plastic, dead and cold,
Won't interest fly's and won't grow mould.
Dear butter God I'm on my knees,
Until you speak I'll just use cheese.,

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Brother Biscuit-Banjo

I would like to share another passage from my favourite book, "Collagen of Species". A thought provoking take on our need to fit in.
. As I hung up the phone, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror over the fireplace. My hair looked a bit odd. I don't know if this is a universal issue, but I always think my hair looks a bit odd. It's never how I imagine it. The vision of my own hair in my head is so far removed from the reality confronting me in the mirror. Perhaps it's just something to do with mirrors, maybe the two dimensions of the mirrors surface can never truly represent the three dimensions in front of it. I don't really understand why I care what my hair looks like. I don't think of myself as a vain person. I certainly don't go out my way to buy designer clothes or expensive shoes. Of course I don't want to look stupid. But does that in itself show an element of vanity? Surely the most efficient thing would be to shave our hair off. No more washing hair, which means no more spending money on shampoo or conditioner. No need for hair dryers or product. No longer would we have to suffer the irritation of hair getting in our faces on a windy day, or having to brush it from our eyes when exiting a swimming pool. No one would have to worry about going grey or bald. It must be either vanity or the fear of being different which stops us all reaching for the sheers. I must admit, I am disinclined to remove my hair, though, whether it's down to my desire to fit in, vanity or simply attachment I'm not sure. Whether we like to admit it or not, it seems most of us on some level are worried about the way we look, another example of style over practicality. I suppose you could liken this to my previous point about God's nipples. Do God's need hair? This is surely more support for the theory of evolution, certainly a more and obtainable solution to the question, rather than trying to speculate the function of a deities hairstyle.  



Friday, 15 May 2015

Brother Driblystick

I have recently been studying one of the most fascinating and unheard of creatures. It is one of the largest fish on the planet, yet most will never have heard its name.

The Greenland shark, as its name suggests, lives in the arctic region. It can grow to around 7 meters long, making it larger than many Great White sharks. It is however not quite as scary. It has a cruising speed of 0.5 mph and when it's really excited it can reach around 1.5mph.

It is thought to feed mainly on scavenged meat such as polar bears and reindeer, but does also eat seal and fish when it can get it. Due to the sharks slow speed it is thought that it can only catch seals which are asleep.

Another bizarre fact about the Greenland shark is that they are nearly all blind. This is due to a parasite called a Copepod. This lives exclusively in the eye of the Greenland shark and is thought to give the sharks eye a green luminescence. There is even a theory that the light attracts fish to the shark enabling it to suck the food in to its mouth.

It is the only shark that lives in the waters of the Arctic, enjoying temperatures of up to -2dgs. The extreme temperature they live in is in someway responsible for the most amazing fact about this shark. To survive in such conditions, the Greenland shark has had to lower its metabolism. The upshot of this is that they can live for 200 years, making them one of the longest living creatures on Earth.

Thursday, 30 April 2015

Brother Fingers

This is my new song where I recount some of my past lives.

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Brother Driblystick

I have invented something I call the Mind Banger. It allows you to listen to and record the thoughts of animals. Here's a video of the first trial.

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Brother Biscuit-Banjo

I asked Brother Fingers to reboot the computer.

Brother Biscuit-Banjo

I am delighted to announce that we now have our own facebook page.

The wonders of modern technology never seas to amaze me.

Feel free to have a look, and if you have any requests or questions about anything at all, we will do our best to help you.

Sunday, 22 March 2015

Brother Binky

The Dramatic Pudding

The custard flows through broken dams

Destroying cake based wigs and wams

The Isle of jam so hard to find

Cut off where yellow rivers wind

Their way through valleys wrought from sponge

Enclosed by seas of bleeding gunged

The God of spoons comes crashing down

To rip asunder pudding town

The warm inside exposed to air

Is swamped as yellow fills the tare

A floating island then ascends

to where the God of spoons intends

 To dump its burden, come back clean

Returning for the custard Queen

But sponge fights back with molten jam

To burn the tongues of beast and man

Yet men with wisdom rarely frown

Since jam and custard soon cool down.

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Brother Biscuit-Banjo

I think whether you are an atheist or a believer, there is an important issue which should demand our attention. Men's nipples are seldom discussed in debates of religion, but I think, as silly as it sounds, it could be of great importance. Let me share a passage from one of my favourite books, "Collagen of Species".

   " Imagine my surprise when men’s nipples popped up, not literally of course. It turns out that every foetus starts out with nipples before it is determined whether the baby in question will be a boy or a girl. This is also true of other animals including cats and dogs. Unfortunately Pandora and Cow are both girls, depriving me of the opportunity to check. This to my mind gives a good argument to atheists. I understand that an argument about men having nipples doesn’t sound like the sort of ammunition you would want to go in to a war of words with against an ardent believer, but bare with me. Women's nipples have a purpose, so you can see why a foetus would start out with nipples. If it didn’t, then turned out to be a girl, that girl would have no nipples, obviously not a good start. Yet if a man has nipples it is neither here nor there, other than the fact that you may feel different because all your male friends had nipples. If God made man in his own image, with no initial plans for a woman, why did man have nipples? Surely this means that God has nipples, and we can only assume that if God has nipples they must have a purpose. If you are then going to create man in your image, why give him nipples unless they serve a similar function?"

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Brother Driblystick

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it still make a sound?

Of course it does. What a ridiculous notion. How self-important do you have to be to come up with that one? If the whole world revolves around me, is there anything happening outside of my narcissistic bubble? We are but creatures on this Earth. No more important than an ant or butterfly, and there are plenty of them around to hear trees fall over.

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Brother Biscuit-Banjo

Quotes from the "Versilicus Maximus".

"When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half".

Monday, 9 March 2015

Brother Driblystick

I have noticed a strange phenomenon over the last few weeks.

There have been birds singing all through the night, which is not at all normal.

After doing some research I found the most likely maker of these night time twitters is the Robin. Nightingale's are also night singers but are currently residing in Africa, so it won't be them, unless there is a family here who lost their passports. We must therefore return to Mr Robin.

After consulting "The Birdictionary" by Brother Jasper (1762), I found some interesting facts about birds.

Birds do not have a larynx like us, they instead have a syrinx. This is effectively like having a double larynx. A Thrush can sing two things at once, it can even sing an ascending note and a descending note at the same time.

A European Wren can sing 740 different notes in one minute.

After many nights of research I found what I was looking for. Brother Jasper had dedicated a whole chapter to the night singing of Robin's.

It turns out that Brother Jasper was blessed with the gift to understanding the language of birds and spent many nights under the stars trying to deduce what the Robin's were talking about at night.

He found that the Robin's would spend an hour or so talking about how nice it was to be able to talk without the noise of all the other birds. They would also recount stories of things they had seen humans doing, though they referred to us as "Honkers".

At this point Brother Jasper's tone became somewhat more serious. He learned that the Robin's were plotting the downfall of human civilisation. They would try to come up with a plan to remove "Honker's" from their otherwise peaceful world. It turns out that none of the plans discussed were very practical or satisfactory so they agreed to try again the following night. After studying the Robin's night meetings, Brother Jasper decided they posed no threat at all as they showed a lack of strategic thought and hands. They also suffered from shocking powers of recall, often forgetting what they had spoken about the night before.

Though it seems that Robin's pose no immediate threat, I shall venture out at night with a touch more trepidation than before.

Friday, 6 March 2015

Brother Biscuit-Banjo

I was asked a very interesting question yesterday by a small boy. He asked me why doughnuts have a hole in the middle. He said, "It seems silly having a hole, you could just have more doughnut."

In essence I suppose he is right, you could fill the hole with more doughnut. But as is so often the case, there is a reason behind this mystery.

In the year 777, a weary traveller happened across this very monastery on his way to London. He was welcomed in by the monks and given dry clothes, food and drink.

As the man ate by the fire, he chatted with the monks. One of the youngest monks in the order became somewhat over excited and began to tell the man of the ancient wisdom known only to the deformed monks of Cumberton. The knowledge held such power, and surprised the man so much that one of his eyes fell out. It landed directly in the centre of a small round cake he was about to eat. The head monk instantly used his healing powers to close the empty eye socket and remove any pain. After being touched by the head monk, the man's feeling of peace was such that he looked down at his eye topped cake in wonder and fascination. Not wanting to waste the food that the monks had so kindly offered him, the man removed his disembodied eye and pushed his finger through the centre of the cake, leaving an empty hole.

From that day forth, the monks baked all their cakes with a hole in the middle to remind them of the weary traveller and the destructive power of misplaced knowledge.

And that is the story of how the humble doughnut came to be, though as allways with these things, others will have their own stories. As long as we know the truth.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Brother Fingers.

This is my latest composition. It is a brutally honest account of the pain I have endured due to my third nipple.