Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Brother Biscuit-Banjo

I asked Brother Fingers to reboot the computer.

Brother Biscuit-Banjo

I am delighted to announce that we now have our own facebook page.

The wonders of modern technology never seas to amaze me.

Feel free to have a look, and if you have any requests or questions about anything at all, we will do our best to help you.

Sunday, 22 March 2015

Brother Binky

The Dramatic Pudding

The custard flows through broken dams

Destroying cake based wigs and wams

The Isle of jam so hard to find

Cut off where yellow rivers wind

Their way through valleys wrought from sponge

Enclosed by seas of bleeding gunged

The God of spoons comes crashing down

To rip asunder pudding town

The warm inside exposed to air

Is swamped as yellow fills the tare

A floating island then ascends

to where the God of spoons intends

 To dump its burden, come back clean

Returning for the custard Queen

But sponge fights back with molten jam

To burn the tongues of beast and man

Yet men with wisdom rarely frown

Since jam and custard soon cool down.

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Brother Biscuit-Banjo

I think whether you are an atheist or a believer, there is an important issue which should demand our attention. Men's nipples are seldom discussed in debates of religion, but I think, as silly as it sounds, it could be of great importance. Let me share a passage from one of my favourite books, "Collagen of Species".

   " Imagine my surprise when men’s nipples popped up, not literally of course. It turns out that every foetus starts out with nipples before it is determined whether the baby in question will be a boy or a girl. This is also true of other animals including cats and dogs. Unfortunately Pandora and Cow are both girls, depriving me of the opportunity to check. This to my mind gives a good argument to atheists. I understand that an argument about men having nipples doesn’t sound like the sort of ammunition you would want to go in to a war of words with against an ardent believer, but bare with me. Women's nipples have a purpose, so you can see why a foetus would start out with nipples. If it didn’t, then turned out to be a girl, that girl would have no nipples, obviously not a good start. Yet if a man has nipples it is neither here nor there, other than the fact that you may feel different because all your male friends had nipples. If God made man in his own image, with no initial plans for a woman, why did man have nipples? Surely this means that God has nipples, and we can only assume that if God has nipples they must have a purpose. If you are then going to create man in your image, why give him nipples unless they serve a similar function?"

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Brother Driblystick

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it still make a sound?

Of course it does. What a ridiculous notion. How self-important do you have to be to come up with that one? If the whole world revolves around me, is there anything happening outside of my narcissistic bubble? We are but creatures on this Earth. No more important than an ant or butterfly, and there are plenty of them around to hear trees fall over.

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Brother Biscuit-Banjo

Quotes from the "Versilicus Maximus".

"When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half".

Monday, 9 March 2015

Brother Driblystick

I have noticed a strange phenomenon over the last few weeks.

There have been birds singing all through the night, which is not at all normal.

After doing some research I found the most likely maker of these night time twitters is the Robin. Nightingale's are also night singers but are currently residing in Africa, so it won't be them, unless there is a family here who lost their passports. We must therefore return to Mr Robin.

After consulting "The Birdictionary" by Brother Jasper (1762), I found some interesting facts about birds.

Birds do not have a larynx like us, they instead have a syrinx. This is effectively like having a double larynx. A Thrush can sing two things at once, it can even sing an ascending note and a descending note at the same time.

A European Wren can sing 740 different notes in one minute.

After many nights of research I found what I was looking for. Brother Jasper had dedicated a whole chapter to the night singing of Robin's.

It turns out that Brother Jasper was blessed with the gift to understanding the language of birds and spent many nights under the stars trying to deduce what the Robin's were talking about at night.

He found that the Robin's would spend an hour or so talking about how nice it was to be able to talk without the noise of all the other birds. They would also recount stories of things they had seen humans doing, though they referred to us as "Honkers".

At this point Brother Jasper's tone became somewhat more serious. He learned that the Robin's were plotting the downfall of human civilisation. They would try to come up with a plan to remove "Honker's" from their otherwise peaceful world. It turns out that none of the plans discussed were very practical or satisfactory so they agreed to try again the following night. After studying the Robin's night meetings, Brother Jasper decided they posed no threat at all as they showed a lack of strategic thought and hands. They also suffered from shocking powers of recall, often forgetting what they had spoken about the night before.

Though it seems that Robin's pose no immediate threat, I shall venture out at night with a touch more trepidation than before.

Friday, 6 March 2015

Brother Biscuit-Banjo

I was asked a very interesting question yesterday by a small boy. He asked me why doughnuts have a hole in the middle. He said, "It seems silly having a hole, you could just have more doughnut."

In essence I suppose he is right, you could fill the hole with more doughnut. But as is so often the case, there is a reason behind this mystery.

In the year 777, a weary traveller happened across this very monastery on his way to London. He was welcomed in by the monks and given dry clothes, food and drink.

As the man ate by the fire, he chatted with the monks. One of the youngest monks in the order became somewhat over excited and began to tell the man of the ancient wisdom known only to the deformed monks of Cumberton. The knowledge held such power, and surprised the man so much that one of his eyes fell out. It landed directly in the centre of a small round cake he was about to eat. The head monk instantly used his healing powers to close the empty eye socket and remove any pain. After being touched by the head monk, the man's feeling of peace was such that he looked down at his eye topped cake in wonder and fascination. Not wanting to waste the food that the monks had so kindly offered him, the man removed his disembodied eye and pushed his finger through the centre of the cake, leaving an empty hole.

From that day forth, the monks baked all their cakes with a hole in the middle to remind them of the weary traveller and the destructive power of misplaced knowledge.

And that is the story of how the humble doughnut came to be, though as allways with these things, others will have their own stories. As long as we know the truth.